We would like to mark Alcohol Awareness Week with a very personal story from a colleague who has battled alcoholism and is proud to say that she has been sober for five years, six months and one week at time of writing.
Rachel Wilson is an Urgent Care Derbyshire Rota Assistant based at Ashgate Manor in Chesterfield and spoke to us about her experiences. She kindly gave us permission to share her story to encourage others going through a similar journey that there is a way out and support available. So here, in her own words, is Rachel’s story…
“I feel like I’ve always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, certainly since my early 20s. Many alcoholics will tell you that they don’t feel they fit in anywhere, there’s a disconnect there that I suppose can lead to picking up that first drink for the wrong reasons. That said, if I was going to pin it to a point in time it would probably be when my dad died. I was only 26 and I’d say that for the next 20 years after that I was a high functioning alcoholic.
“A vicious circle”
“That is a term for someone like me who was dependent on alcohol but conceals it from others by holding down a full time job, career, relationships, hiding it from friends and family. There would be periods where it was very bad, but I managed to pull myself out of it without ever properly addressing it.
“There was no real pattern, I just didn’t need much of an excuse to have a drink, it could be something trivial, for example next door’s budgie dying. I would say that it was due to a depression but it’s such a vicious circle as the more you drink, the more depressed you become. Even happy events, perhaps especially happy events such as weddings, parties, birthdays, I would be the one doing something silly, and people would talk about me. That fed into feelings of paranoia and it took over my life, consumed me and I felt like I’d lost all choice; I could never have just one drink.
“I mentioned depression as an underlying cause, my alcoholism resulted in severe problems with my mental and physical health with gastro problems, dizziness, paranoia and lethargy and I feared that I may lose my marriage. There wasn’t one single thing that led to me admitting to myself that I needed help but I had reached that point where relationships, my physical and mental health made me look at myself and I reached my own conclusion that I had to break this cycle before something happened that I couldn’t come back from.
“I was in the right place”
“I decided to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and as soon as I walked in I knew I was in the right place. I had pre-conceived ideas but was surprised to find doctors, nurses, teachers, solicitors, people who, like me, were high functioning alcoholics. It may sound corny but saying it out loud for the first time, ‘I am an alcoholic’ is a big moment, a powerful feeling and it hits you, you’ve admitted to yourself out loud, shared it with others in a place where there is no judgment, you’ve taken control. It’s a weight off your shoulders but you have to choose to do that.
“It’s also hard, it’s more than just putting a drink down.
“There is a 12-step programme, you have a sponsor who supports you through it and you need to talk about it. Alcoholics are insular and I kept it hidden but now I am very open about it and people know they can come to me and I will talk candidly about it. It’s a part of me and communicating with other people, explaining what it’s like and my relationship with alcohol helps people to understand what it is and how it affects people.
“In terms of coping, of course there are times when the temptation is there which is why people say they will always be an alcoholic. I take myself out of situations where temptation where might be greater, for example a work gathering…I’ll go out for a meal but not for a night out in the pubs. If things start to get on top of me, I have a strong support network of sponsors and AA friends who I can speak to in confidence to talk it through.
“It’s never too late”
“AA might not be for everyone, there is an alternative called Al-Anon which is for family and friends of people who are being affected by a loved one’s alcoholism. The important thing is to know that if you are or have ever been in a position similar to the one I was in, it’s never too late to pull yourself out of it. There is support out there, but the first step is admitting you need help. It’s true what they say, it’s easy to keep on doing what you’re doing, true strength lies in doing something about it and asking for help.
“For me it’s been five years but only because I’ve taken it a day at a time. As an alcoholic you’re always one day away from falling which is why I still go to AA and have that support around me. It really is one day at a time which makes it achievable, manageable and by talking about it, the pressure is reduced. There is support out there and just know, it’s never just you.”